So, Ive been waiting a while to share this with the blogging world. Ive been waiting mainly because Im scared shitless that I will open up and share and gush and smile and then Ill start to bleed and cramp and then well all have to be silent and never talk again about the thing you just dont talk about.
And I know those are silly thoughts and that if I cant be honest and open in my own journal, then how will my sons and daughters ever feel okay about their obsession with watching commercials even though they have a tivo remote control in their fing hand.
So yeah. Im pregnant. Im right at 14 weeks (or 12 weeks if you want to know the actual age of the thing that is growing inside of me). That puts the due date right smack dab at the end of April, 2006. Were past the point that I noticed the miscarriage last time. Right past it were talking days – but past it all the same.
And the pregnancy is going great. Ive been hungry. Ive been moody. Ive been queasy. I am beginning to notice a bulge at tummy level. Im shopping the racks at my favorite thrift stores for maternity pants. I havent started begging the husband to make midnight trips to burger king, but we did drive down the street to an arbys the other night at 10pm.
And were making plans. Plans sure are nice.

Ive been keeping a journal of my pregnancy pretty much from the beginning. And this could be really boring to you or it could serve me well on future pregnancies. Whatever, its all here for you to read or not.

August 7-12: R* and Nathalie were in for a visit and one night even insisted that they leave for a while so we could make a star. They didn’t, but we found other times to you know. .. ahem.
August 21st. Had dinner with friends, Katie and Craig. We found out that night that Katie was pregnant and it was the first pregnancy since my miscarriage that didn’t cause insane jealousy. Maybe I knew before I knew?
4 weeks
August 22nd. One day after my missed period, I took the first pregnancy test. It took forever for any lines to show up, so Im not really trusting the results. It showed up positive, about 20 minutes after i peed on the stick. Got into a sneezing fit at work the next day but didn’t want to take any drugs.
August 25th. Took another test. We were going to wait until the weekend, but the CPH was leaving on Friday to our friends wedding (hes going down a day earlier than me because hes in the wedding). Very positive. I immediately called my mom. My brother is there, so he hears the news too!
August 27th. At our friends wedding, we hear that his little sister is pregnant. I was so bummed that I couldn’t announce as well, but I have been so much more cautious with my announcements since the miscarriage.
5 weeks
September 1st. Appointment with the doctor. Pregnancy is confirmed. We tell the CPH’s parents. The doctor offers to go ahead and order an ultrasound. Abso-f’ing-lutely!
7 weeks
The week that the nauseousness began. Honestly, I think I ate mashed potatoes and corn on the cob every single day this week.
September 16. Day of ultrasound. Got to hear the heartbeat and see the tiniest little baby.
8 weeks
We are in Canada the whole week with the CPH’s parents. The motto of the week soon became, “The longer you make Tonya wait to eat, the blander your options become”. I feel fortunate that I haven’t thrown up, but the car-sick feeling is really annoying.
9 weeks
The queasiness has been replaced with insatiable hunger. If I am chewing on something, I’m not queasy. Is that really an excuse to be eating all day long? I say yes.
10 weeks.
While I still need to eat nearly every two hours, I do not feel like I could die if I’m 20 minutes late in grabbing my lunch out of the fridge.
October 3. Went for my monthly check-up. I told the doctor about some back pain I’ve been having, so he suggested I visit a physical therapist. He wants me to strengthen my back before my stomach grows. Oh god! My stomach is going to get bigger than it already has become?!?
This week, I’ve noticed that my queasiness is gone, but now, i’m being visited by straight-up feeling like i’m going to throw up.
11 weeks
October 11. Oh the headaches. Sunday, we went to the Heartland Apple Festival and I had a great time despite an uber-sore throat and such a big headache. I’m counting the days until the 31st. My next doctor’s appointment and past the last miscarriage date. Went to boys’ night on Monday night and had to leave halfway thru because the hunger – Oh my god, it wouldn’t stop.
October 12. Three times this week, the CPH has woken me saying he was going to sleep in the other room. Seems that my sinus issues that I would normally cure with some drugs are keeping him awake.
October 14. Last night, the CPH and i got to sleep in the same room. Of course, I didn’t sleep so great because I kept waking up wondering if I was keeping him awake. My head was propped up on about 5 pillows. Maybe that helped?—On a side note, I have a fear that these next two weeks are going to go by super slow. I was re-reading my blog posts from the miscarriage and it’s funny how fast you forget the details. I started bleeding just 5 days before my 14 week doctors appointment. I am going to absolutely hate October 27th.
Week 12
Just found out last night that a good friend is (as she says) with child. I can’t help but think it’s going to be so hard if I miscarry and she’s pregnant. She’s due the month after me.
October 19 – Legs are so restless. It’s the same feeling I get before my period starts. ick!
Week 14 (or Week 12 if you’ve never been to a doctor and you’re completely relying the actual age of this thing growing inside of me).
October 31 – Today, we heard the heartbeat. The doctor said it sounded perfectly normal, but to me, it sounded more like a really sick dog barking at the neighbors coming home at one in the morning.

This morning, as I sat at work signing on to my computer, i was reminded of the way that the bitter cold plays with your bare hands as you walk from parking lot to building. Oh how it burns as they warm up in a heated building!

On another note of cold, I have one. Or not. I may just have a sinus infection. But whatever it is that is making my nose so stuffed up that I make a little clicking noise when i finish each sentence, will you please go away?

Sorry for the absense of updates. I’ve had lots to say, but it’s been about stuff that I don’t want to talk about yet – at least not here. And not being able to be completely honest, makes me not want to write. So that’s why the popular stranger has been more of a stranger than popular as of late. But I’ll try to be better – I promise!
As mentioned before, I’m so much more excited about this Christmas this year than I’ve felt in quite a while. Even though I haven’t bought much, I have most of my Christmas presents already picked out.
The CPH has been excitedly talking about our Thanksgiving plans, so I’m also pretty amped about that.
AND, we just got confirmation this past Saturday that R* and Nathalie have purchased their plane tickets to come see us the weekend before Thanksgiving. As most of you know, I have this little tradition of going home on that weekend. My family and family friends get together every year on that Saturday to make Christmas candy (The Taffy Pull being the biggest event) and I’ve been trying to get Nath to come with me for the past two years, but something always comes up and she can’t make it.
Finally, her and her brilliant husband are making the road trip with us. And they seem pretty excited about it. Even it does mean being stuck in a small town with small town values and a small bedroom which we will all be sharing.

Seeing my breath in the cold air…..
Listening to Rosie Thomas’ new cd (thanks Kyle!) while driving in the rain…...
Being reminded of Christmas Tree lights when I see the reflection of the street lights on the wet pavement…..

These are a few of my favorite things.

Sunday, after my moms had left, the CPH and I went over to the A*’s and began the transformation from backyard to outdoor movie viewing area. We had all just decided on Thursday night to throw together a party where there would be a bonfire and an outside viewing of Something Wicked This Way Comes. It was a great success. Lots of people and lots of fallish foods. There has been so many times that many people have gathered at the A*’s and I’ve said after these meetings that those memories will be some of my favorites of our time in Indy. That same night, as we were driving home, the CPH said that half of him just wants to not even worry about applying to other schools. He sometimes thinks of just staying in Indiana and hoping that he gets into IU. We just love it so much here. After a meeting yesterday, I think for the first time, the CPH realized what I gave up in Chattanooga to follow him here. And he felt guilty. But even more than that he felt grateful. But after we thought about it some more, we thought – What’s more important – The things we gave up or the things we wouldn’t have known at all if we had never come here? I, for one, think it’s the latter.

My moms’ are coming to visit this weekend, which I love. I’m not feeling as sick, which is great when people are coming to visit.

Someone came to popular stranger after a google search for “dubsTF”. Good job, SMWB.

This sunday night, there’s going to be an outside viewing at a friend’s house of Something Wicked This Way Comes. If you didn’t get the email regarding the details, will ya email me and I’ll send the info to you?

For the past few nights, the CPH will wake me up saying (something to the effect of), “sorry, Tonya, but I have to leave”. He’s not really leaving. He’s just going to the other room to sleep. Seems that our old dry house and my sinus cold are keeping him up at nights. Well, really, it’s the effects of those things – my heavy breathing and snoring that is making me sleep alone and him sleep deprivated.

Pillow (A poem by Li-Young Lee and the inspiration for a great little song by my favorite and yours Denison Witmer)

There’s nothing I can’t find under there.
Voices in the trees, the missing pages
of the sea.

Everything but sleep.

And night is a river bridging
the speaking and the listening banks,

a fortress, undefended and inviolate.

There’s nothing that won’t fit under it:
fountains clogged with mud and leaves,
the houses of my childhood.

And night begins when my mother’s fingers
let go of the thread
they’ve been tying and untying
to touch toward our fraying story’s hem.

Night is the shadow of my father’s hands
setting the clock for resurrection.

Or is it the clock unraveled, the numbers flown?

There’s nothing that hasn’t found home there:
discarded wings, lost shoes, a broken alphabet.

Everything but sleep. And night begins

with the first beheading
of the jasmine, its captive fragrance
rid at last of burial clothes.

I had a brilliant costume idea while lying (is it laying or lying) in bed one night last week trying so hard to fall asleep. My idea was to be a marionette, but I just couldn’t figure out the logistics of it. So someone suggested heavy wire that was collected above my head which held together the controlling wood. Possible, but difficult. Then, brilliantly, Amy suggested that I go as a freed marionette. So I’ll still get to put together the costume, little german dress, rosy cheeks, knee high socks, but my strings will be hanging from my clothes to represent that I have set myself free (or some greater power has let me go).

The CPH takes off every Monday night and goes to a friend’s house to watch television shows. I’ve never gone before, but I was thinking about going tonight. Even though, the tradition started off as a boy’s only night, there have been a few girls who have shown up and I’m thinking I might make an appearance.
And no, this has nothing to do with that bastard Cleaning and him showing up at my house demanding I do something with him.

The CPH and I are hosting a small group at our house on Wednesday nights. This week was the first meeting and it was a small gathering of people. Three of our favorite people will be there every week and I was most excited and surprised to see that two of our new, but promises to be good friends came as well. I’m not very good in small group/bible study settings, I usually try to stay away from them, but the creative mind behind this one intrigued me. Still that didn’t stop me from getting up and “stretching my legs” when the actual bible talking began. The great thing about this group of people, though, is that I can be honest with them and let them know that I’m pretty sure that they’ll never hear me praying out loud or answering, very often, questions from a albeit well-designed closing argument section. And I’m pretty sure they’ll still love me for it. Of the small group ideas we threw around, I am most excited about the possibility of watching a monthly movie and then discussing the movie from a Christian view. Maybe we could even watch several of the last episodes of Carnivale. mmmm. Carnivale.
On another note, sometimes, I really have to keep my contendedness in check. At the gathering on Wednesday, a friend was talking about how she’s thinking of quitting her job and just doing a fun job until she finds her passion. Her husband, while not making tons of money, is sure that he can support them with his salary. And hearing her talk reminds me how dull my job really is and how I’d love to find my passion. But then I remember that, for me, my job hasn’t ever really defined me. My friends and my family are what I’d like to be defined by. What I do with my free time is what I’d like to define me. That said, I’m thinking of signing up as a softball coach for the Special Olympics.

I found Fall. She came back this morning and from what I’ve heard, she’s here to stay. This weekend we’re going to the Heartland Apple Festival, where we’ll get to take a hayride to the pumpkin patch and we’ll get to pick our very own pumpkin to make into our very own Jack O’Lantern. And maybe we’ll get to drink fresh hot apple cider while we do it. And maybe I’ll be wearing a sweater, too!
Have I mentioned how much I love fall?

Just because I thought it would be fun, I decided to make most of my Christmas presents last year. As a result, I was depressed, stressed out, and possibly a real big scrooge. I vowed never to do that again and I’ve already begun my shopping. I expect that I’ll be my usual Christmas self with cookies and Christmas Villages and real live Christmas trees. It’s so good to have me back.

Sleep. Seems i can’t get enough of it lately. I know, I know, I always been a sleeper, but this is almost getting out of control.
Last night/This morning, I had a dream that the democratic nominee for the presidency (aka Jimmy Smits) saw that the CPH was hurt (not sure why or how) and I watched as the congressman pulled his own catheter out and made it into something that would help save my husband’s life. I’m glad I’m liking The West Wing again.
I’ve been missing my friends R* and Nathalie pretty much since the second they left, but here lately I’ve been dying to see them. If the CPH doesn’t end up at IU next fall, I really hope we end up in DC.

It’s October. The high today is supposed to be 87. Will someone please tell me where fall ran off to?

"Hoosier Hospitality"


Originally uploaded by beelerspace.

Good visit with old and new friends. One of our friend’s car got beat up a little on Sunday morning. The policeman thought it might have something to do with her Tennessee tags (wither because of the Circle City Classic, in which TSU played or the Colts/Titans game on Sunday. I know, crazy, right?

Posed on the porch


Originally uploaded by beelerspace.

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