| On, Monday, January 31 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about what scares her about having kids or at least having kids over the age of 5. She said: I was sitting in church yesterday looking around at all the children and imagining my life with a child. And I could only get to about age five before I started to feel really, really bizarre and uncomfortable. I’m quite excited (when the time comes) to mother a child who depends on me, who I can cuddle with and kiss on the cheek and who will smile and giggle when I walk in the room (and who will, undoubtedly, let out a horrifying and blood-curdling scream when I walk out of the room).But, imagining myself as a mid-40s mother of a teenager really freaks me out. Being in my fifties and planning my daughters wedding gives me palpitations. And I think that the most defining freak-out reason is not because I won’t be able to handle those things. I think I’m most freaked out by the idea of getting older and, actually, being closer to death. As if, by not having children, I will not grow old and gray. amy wondered "what is it about growing old that makes you scared? What is it about dying that makes you scared?" tonya remarked "I’ve been sitting here for the last five minutes typing out my response and then deleting it word by word because it is not expressing what I’m thinking in my head. All I can say is what was running through my head as I thought, yesterday morning, about me having a 15 year old daughter and what I thought that would mean for me. I thought that it meant that I would have to be the grown up. I thought that I would have to keep the house clean so that my kid would learn the importance of cleanliness. I thought that it meant that I would have to make sure that my child didn’t get his feelings hurt more than making myself feel clever. I thought about how hard it would be to discipline a child who was caught with a boy in her bedroom with the door closed. I thought about how decisions that CPH and I would make would not only be made with ourselves in mind, but it would have to be a global (as far as the bloodline goes) decision. But if I never had children (who grew past the age of five), I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. I would be able to only worry about myself (and CPH). But….. I think my post has much more to do with the dying part than the growing up part. Because let’s face it, I pretty much know that I’ll be able to handle those things fairly well as they come into my life and I am forced to handle it. But death is (may be) such a final thing. And while I hope that, as my faith would have me believe, that there is more beyond the not breathing, not feeling rocks in my hands, not physically seeing snow capped trees, I can’t help but be a bit worried. Interesting to note that at the near end of summer, I thought I had conquered this fear. Guess that was just a fleeting feeling." amy divulged "i liked your post about getting old and dying. very honest and nice to read. interesting really. i usually think i’m not too scared of death but i never have been very close to it so maybe if i got close i would get scared and i’m not scared now just cause i feel so removed from it. and i’m not scared of growing old. but i am scared of changing. of growing up, growing bitter and over-worried. of being a mom who isn’t cool, doesn’t enjoy things, doesn’t feel free to travel or do what’s in her heart. that scares me. that’s why i don’t wanna have kids sometimes, i know i can control how my life will go more if i don’t. and i’m not too good at losing control!" You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Wednesday, January 26 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about another update on 28 things. She said: I have a friend who will be turning 28 this week so I have decided to go back to my 28 things to to do in my 28th year to see what I have accomplished. My list was inspired by Erica. Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 25 around 11am, Tonya was thinking about moving on. She said:
Then, amy yakked "maybe you won’t!" Someone coughed quietly. heater pondered "isn’t it funny how sometimes we aren’t that excited about moving somewhere, but once you have been there for awhile, it’s hard to leave? we were totally against coming to northern ky when we got married, but now that we’ve been here for 7 yrs, and we’ve finally found a great church, and have made some great friends, it will be hard to move away….IF we are offered the chance." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Monday, January 24 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about live music and lively conversation. She said:
Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Friday, January 21 around 11am, Tonya was thinking about The Photo Friday Challenge. She said:
Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Friday, January 21 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about how starbucks has a good ear. She said: When I was in Boston over the 4th of July weekend, I was in a starbucks wasting time before the fireworks display on the Charles. I smiled as I heard one of my favorite Sondre Lerche (Stupid Memory) songs play in the background and I remember remarking to my friend that it was nice to hear good music from a place that we had never really associated with anything good. The crowd gasped! dh mumbled "I think I’m beyond being upset when people support Starbucks. Now I’m just diminished to posting vague comments on threads about the company. I’m going to go read The Onion now." Everyone looked at the floor. Then, DW smirked "Starbucks? More like Starsucks… And the Onion? How trendy and bourgeoisie…ahahahaha. Now excuse me while I go read the latest copy of Adbusters." Someone coughed quietly. SMWB protested "i’ll bet hitler had a good ear, too, and don’t forget that music was lucifer’s specialty." A hush of silence fell across the room. Dh agreed "Yeah, ol’ Beelzebub could sure rock out on the fiddle, from what I hear." njc divulged "i like starbucks’ compilations as well. but i haven’t purchased one. . .yet. who knows what evil lurks in my soul? the other good thing about starbucks (or starsucks or starfucks) is that they give benefits to their part-time employees, which i support. but i don’t like their coffee. it’s overroasted." SMWB said "i agree, their coffee is overroasted. plus, who in the hell names their business after a melville character that is not bartleby the scrivener? i mean, really. melville? of all the american authors one could pick, melville? if the company started in the new england, i could understand, but even then, there are so many better options than melville." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Thursday, January 20 around 11am, Tonya was thinking about agendas. She said: I know the producers have an agenda, but there were plenty of bathing suits that were less fashionable than Alexandra’s. I mean, come on! Everyone looked at the floor. Then, amy said "You gotta admit, she does look sexy!" You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Wednesday, January 19 around 4pm, Tonya was thinking about why the grass is always greener. She said: So, it was fun to find out (begin to understand) where the term actually came from, but what I really want to know is… why? The crowd gasped! SMWB said "i think i’m going to start using the following: “The corn in an other man’s ground seemeth ever more fertile and plentiful than does our own.” " You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Wednesday, January 19 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about accentuating the positive. She said: Had dinner with the A*’s and K* last night. The meaning of the dinner was to give some prospective movers the positives and negatives of Indianapolis. The crowd gasped! amy said "My, how places grow on us. I wonder if we will always be missing some place and wanting to move some place." Then, dh remarked "the answer is, “yes we will.” even though you didn’t technically ask a question." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 18 around 12pm, Tonya was thinking about small time musicians. She said: Liz Janes is in town this week visiting some friends. The friends with whom she is visiting happen to be heavily involved at our church so she was gracious enough to offer up a free show while she was in town. It was an enjoyable show. I think she was a bit surprised to see the large turnout. I’m all for musicians to make it big and such, but there’s something extremely attractive about the excitement that you see on someone’s face when what they think is going to be small show for less than 10 people turns into a 30+ audience. Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 18 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about a very late christmas. She said:
Went home to Kentucky this weekend to celebrate Christmas since we couldn’t make it home for the real thing. My brother and his wife came in (I usualy only see them on holidays) and it was nice of them to make the trip. The Christmas Village was still up and a fake (!!!) tree had been bought so that they could keep a tree up without putting the household in danger (dead tree=fire). There are so many reasons that I love going home, but I think my favorite part is the dependency that my whole family has on the kitchen table. The television is never the focus of activities at the house (if it’s on, its usually on for only a handful of people or it is very late at night). Instead, people walk into the house to be greeted by a large number of people sitting at the kitchen table. And that’s a very comforting feeling. Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Friday, January 14 around 9am, Tonya was thinking about The Photo Friday Challenge. She said: The theme for the week is signs. I know the picture is not a great one, but I thought it was such a find (this and the post card that had blair’s face on the ever popular uncle sam photo saying, “I want YOU for the US Army”) Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Thursday, January 13 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about a reality show that she likes. She said: I have to admit, I’ve never really liked reality television. Except for the occassional obsessions with the occassional episodes of the Real World (but I knew the cowboy from the first season!), I have had no problem skipping right past the channel that is showing (insert popular reality tv show here). Until now. I am completely addicted to Project Runway. There. I said it. amy said "i gotta admit, that is the first reality show i’ve heard of that actually sounds interesting to me. and you knew the cowboy on the first season. you mean the one with the blond mullet! how?" Someone coughed quietly. tonya whispered "Oops. Guess it was second season that he was on. But yeah, i knew that guy. We went to high school together. I remeber when MTV came to the school after he had been accepted as a roommate. It was so rad." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Wednesday, January 12 around 11am, Tonya was thinking about A Very Long Engagement. She said: While in Boston, CPH picked up a copy of the story that this movie was fashioned after as a wonderful must bring the other something back when you go away gift. I’ve made my way through the first chapter. I was a bit skeptical of the book in general for one reason only: It’s set before World War II. And anybody who knows me, knows that I don’t much fancy books in which people don’t experience the liberties that multiple life/social/country/economic – alterning wars have brought about. I was, however, extremely touched by something that was said about prisoner 1818. The author is talking about how much the farmer misses his wife. ”...and now that he was far from her side, he remembered the softness of her skin. It was like a tear in the fabric of his sleep.” A* was recently talking about how she wanted to be a more descriptive writer. After reading that sentence, I think I’d like more descriptive writing to be an aspiration of my own, as well. I’m enjoying the book, by the way. I think that the author has a talent of transcending space and time. I mean, I’ve read authors who have transcended time, but not space. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 11 around 4pm, Tonya was thinking about her favorite photo that CPH took while he was in Boston. She said:
The reflections (at least the human ones) belong to the SMWB and my CPH (left to right). Then, gelmut texas "gelmut texas" You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 11 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about how to get strong. She said: In the past week, I have had 11 different folks find my website via their search for sites to teach them how to get strong. Now, I can see why many people would be searching for ways to be stronger, especially in the few weeks following their new years resolutions. What I wonder is: Are all these people looking to beef up their muscles or are some looking to be stronger in their ability to knock down their temptations? Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Monday, January 10 around 10am, Tonya was thinking about how wonderful it is to sleep in her own bed. She said: CPH came home last night from a (near) week long visit to Boston. He brought home gifts and stories and pictures. While he was gone, our friends took care of me, calling me and inviting me and feeding me. The crowd gasped! heater agreed "i have a really hard time sleeping without nathan. if he works late, (won’t be home until after midnight or 1) i will lie in our bed, but i won’t sleep. i try, i just can’t. it’s so much more comfortable with him there. same with naps…i can’t take a nap without him. i guess that’s one good reason to keep him around. Then, SMWB said "over four years after leah, i still sleep better on the couch than i do in my bed. i’m now wondering if this is why." The crowd gasped! tonya remarked "yeah, because from what I hear, you would have to have a pyschological reason not to be sleeping in that bed of yours. It’s quite magical, I’m told." SMWB said "it is, indeed. D* and a* can attest to that." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Sunday, January 9 around 2am, Tonya was thinking about un-eventful. She said: Today was, quite possibly, the laziest day I have had in a very long time. So lazy, in fact, that it doesn’t even feel like one day, but several days have passed in this 24 hour period. Everyone looked at the floor. Then, heater shouted "sleep rocks!" Everyone looked at the floor. Then, offshore jobs in houston texas "offshore jobs in houston texas Good observation, your ideas are right on." dotrine of physical therapy rankings "dotrine of physical therapy rankings Thank you, I could not have sead it better my self." Someone coughed quietly. the best free att wireless phone "the best free att wireless phone Didn’t notice it before . . . quite clever." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Thursday, January 6 around 10pm, Tonya was thinking about Eternal Sunshine. She said: I walked out the door. There’s no memory left. – Joel
Watched Eternal Sunshine for the second time tonight with a friend who was seeing it for the first time. I had told her earlier that the reason i wanted to watch it was that all of my friends had loved the movie and I had simply thought it to be good, but not great. And it was beautiful. Footfalls echo in the memory Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Thursday, January 6 around 11am, Tonya was thinking about delicious links. She said: mmmm. new daily read is yummy. Check out A*’s deliciously wonderful bookmarks. Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Wednesday, January 5 around 5pm, Tonya was thinking about another reason she’s glad that her CPH loves indian food. She said: Now, if she could just learn to love the taste of curry. Isn’t science amazing? amy said "I must say, that is very exciting. Alzheimer’s is one of the things that I saw a lot last year when I was working in nursing homes in Boston. It is one of the saddest diseases and I am always excited by any steps they make in the treatment of it." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 4 around 2pm, Tonya was thinking about a way to make sure that your nerd knows you love him (or her). She said: send him (or her) an email in binary. mmm. nerd love. yes. i have already sent one to CPH. Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 4 around 12pm, Tonya was thinking about new daily reads. She said: Just added some dailies that I have visited for a while, but am just now listing here. More specifically, I have now added my del.icio.us daily reads and a few more blogs. Everyone listened but said nothing.You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Tuesday, January 4 around 11am, Tonya was thinking about the saturday past. She said: Although I had an overall gut wrenching, dont want to leave here ever again kind of weekend while CPH and I visited friends in Tennessee, I would have to say that Saturday was my favorite day of the visit. We didnt start Saturday until well after noon because, admittedly, Friday night was so much fun with all the drinking and all the secrets divulged and all the many times the words I miss you so much were intertwined with tears. Around half past one, we headed about 30 miles north to the little town where CPH and I began our lives together and where our host had grown up. We were headed to the north side of town to D*s parents house. We had apparently talked our friends with whom we spent the night before into coming along, although none of us remember convincing the male half of the couple (thinking, as we knew in the past, that even though we were inviting him, he would not show). We were pleasantly surprised when they called us for directions, although according to him (the male half), he had told us the night before that they would be there. Regardless, the M*s showed up relatively early and we started the day. I hadnt seen the eldest two boys (or their parents) for over a year and I was amazed at how much they had grown. When I had left, J* (the youngest) wasnt talking much and T* was in that my brother is still a baby and I like to push him around stage. The boys didnt recognize me, which made me a little sad (I understand that it was impossible for them to remember me what with all that is going on in their little brains, but I was sad nonetheless -I was a regular at their house when we lived in Tennessee, saw them at least once a week). But soon enough, we had made each others acquaintance and were playing like old times. CPH spent a lot of time with them and you should ask him to tell you stories. Someone coughed quietly. amy said "Saturday was indeed a fun day. And Tonya left out the best part. We ate black-eyed peas, and cabbage and smoked turkey. yum, yum! Though I must admit, it was sad not having Eric there! The past few years he’s been very involved in my new year’s day black-eyed pea making. Thanks for all the peas, eric." tonya preached "Peas are from the devil. More specifically, eating green peas is like a free ticket to hell, but understand this – no form of peas is good, only evil." A hush of silence fell across the room. eric said "i made black-eyed peas and cornbread, but it’s more fun when amy and d* are involved. i will agree, though, that eating green peas is a free ticket to hell, the lowest circle of hell." A hush of silence fell across the room. dh screamed "I need to interject a moment. When CPH came and got me to read those blocks, I was not embarrassed in the slightest. On the contrary, I was quite turned on. Okay, not really. But I read them with you, in as much shock as everyone else reading them. And I did not deny “the whole thing” or brush “it up to a sick game that either his little sister or little brother had come up with.” It WAS a sick game my BROTHER had come up with. Not my sister. Of course, if I had been as inventive as him, I would have made it too. Don’t get me wrong." Someone opened their mouth to speak, but liposuction south florida "liposuction south florida Thank you, I could not have sead it better my self." air pollution levels in bay area "air pollution levels in bay area great blog, keep it comming." The crowd gasped! office typist chairs in uk "office typist chairs in uk great blog, keep it comming." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
| On, Monday, January 3 around 2pm, Tonya was thinking about seven years. She said: Everyone looked at the floor. Then, heater said "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! we love you guys so much! it’s hard to believe it’s been 7 years, isn’t it? it’ll be 7 yrs for us, too, in july! i’m glad you’re my friend. I LongOVongE YongOU!" SMWB said "you guys deserve each other, and i mean that in a positive way." amy divulged "I love that you told so many little details in your process of getting together with CPH. It’s so funny the things you remember, and I’m so amazed you guys have been married for seven years. That seems so long. Congrats! I think it’s great how much you guys prayed for one another. Do you still pray for or with each other much?" Someone coughed quietly. tonya divulged "we don’t set aside a time each day to pray for each other, but when I do pray, I usually include his name somewhere in the ramblings." amy said "Since you were so honest about you and CPH’s struggles (which makes my heart gush with gladness), is there an easily pinpointable reason why these last seven months have been the hardest or are you unsure as to why they have been so hard?" Then, tonya remarked "The reason is simple: I am selfish and obsessive. I can’t really help the obsessive part (without the assistance of drugs), but I’m trying to work on the selfish part." njc cried "Yeah for your committment and dedication! I’m so glad we’ve gotten to know you guys and hopefully we’ll see you again sometime. . ." Then, heater divulged "marriage is hard. worth every effort, for sure. but it’s hard!" A hush of silence fell across the room. Dh cried "For Popular Stranger and CPH, I say Hizzah! Hizzah! I say." You can say something. You can also view PAINT-ings, see some photos, read old thoughts, or visit other strangers. |
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